All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
