apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
