Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize