we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
