just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
