So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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