I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
