I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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