Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
