I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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