I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
