how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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