Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
