ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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