I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
