All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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