My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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