just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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