At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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