And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
