Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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