And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
