I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Where is the hickey?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
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