I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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