he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
