So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
