you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
