It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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