Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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