Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
