hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
