Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
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