WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
