I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
