youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
people are starting to question the shark bite story
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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