I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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