i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
