Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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