Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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