im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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