The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
