i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
