So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
So squirting runs in the family.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
