I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
