by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
