Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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