I'm gonna have a badass scar
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
