he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
