did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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