I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
