dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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