Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
