we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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