so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
