I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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