Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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