I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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