I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
