just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
