I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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